SYNOPSIS
PROLOGUE:
Once upon the time, on February 9th 1964, a semi professional harmony
group was on their way to their first big gig at the airport Hilton
cocktail bar, Fusill-Lounge. While driving in their cherry-red 1954
Mercury convertible, they were rehearsing their finale, "Love Is a Many
Splendor Thing." They were just getting to their favorite E flat
diminished seventh chord when they were slammed broadside by a school
bus filled with eager Catholic teens from out of Harrisburg. The teens
were on their way to witness the Beatles make their U.S. television
debut on the Ed Sullivan show, and miraculously escaped uninjured.
The harmony group, however, was killed instantly.
THE SHOW
The setting is simple: four microphones, a piano and the bass. From the
back of the house we hear heavenly voices chanting. For men carrying
candles and dressed in white dinner jackets walk through the audience,
singing, "Deus Ex Plaid." Francis, the leader and most confident member
of the group, leads them through the audience, "Holy Canoli! We're
finally back on earth." While they're still technically dead they have
their voices, and bodies, and dinner jackets. They talk to the audience
trying to figure out what year it is. More than 20 years! To fight the
tension caused by 20-plus years in limbo, they decide to sing. Sparky
pipes in, "We could make the biggest comeback since Lazarus!"
"And now, for the first time on this or any other planet. Forever
Plaid!" They singing, "Three Coins in the Fountain." As the song ends,
Sparky addresses the audience, "We're Forever Plaid, and we're dead."
He explains to the audience that, though they never got to do the show
when they were a live, the stars have conspired with the expanding
holes in the ozone layer to do the show now. They introduce themselves
to the audience, in addition to Francis--who likes to be called
Frankie--and Sparky, there's Smudge and Jinx. They also introduce the
band. They finish the song and manage a sort of a segue into, "This or
That/Undecided."
They decide they've never sounded so good in life. Unfortunately, they
never managed to pick up their new plaid tuxedoes so they show a tuxedo
catalog and ask the audience to, "think Plaid." Smudge dedicates the
next song to anyone who's ever been to a prom. They sing, "Moments to
Remember,"" To see you here, we're deeply glad/Deeply grateful and
deeply plaid."
They decide that the choreography for the next number is too
complicated using real microphones. So they use what they used in
rehearsal in the stock room of Smudge's family's plumbing supply
company: plumbers' helpers. They sing, "Crazy 'bout Ya Baby."
Jinx tells the audience, "we always wanted to be in l-ll-ll (He can't
say "love")" They explain that they were just too busy, what with Jinx'
speech therapy and Audio-Visual Club. They sing, "No Not Much." At the
end of the song, Jinx's nose starts to bleed and Francis starts do
wheeze. Smudge needs a Rolaids. While Jinx and Francis recover, Smudge,
not used to doing the patter, does his best. He tells the story of how
he used to hang around his parents' diner and wait for the jukebox
lady. She would give him the old records and that's how he came to love
the old songs. They had always dreamed of making their own album.
Not knowing much about romance, the boys imagined that their beautiful
Spanish teacher's first name was Perfidia like the song of the same
name. They sing, "Perfidia."
Smudge tells the audience that Perfidia means betrayal in love. Jinx
hears the cue for his big number and hesitates. The others encourage
him and they sing, "Cry." "If your sweetheart sends a letter of
goodbye/it's no secret you'll feel better if you cry." In addition to
singing about men who love they also sing about men who work... hard:
they sing, "Sixteen Tons/Chain Gang."
Of course, each of them had their day jobs: Smudge was in bathroom
fixtures, Francis was in dental supplies, Jinx was auto parts, and
Sparky--better dresses. They sing, "The Catering Trail."
They managed to make it into the newspaper. Jinx reads a notice in the
Wilkes-Barre Chronicle announcing that though the Bobby Darin concert
was sold out, the Lady's Championship Bowling League had plenty of
seats to hear the local singing group, Forever Plaid at their next
meeting. "This group's sound is to contemporary music as Formica is to
marble."
Another newspaper headline reads, "Auto failure leaves star of Kraft
Music Hall, Perry Como, stranded in town." With harmonies behind, they
tell the tale of how Sparky, realizing he was working on Perry Como's
car, yanked out the carburetor. Then, he suggested to Mr. Como that he
take in the Forever Plaid show while they waited for the car to be
fixed. The performance started but Sparky couldn't take the guilt. He
stopped the show, revealed the carburetor and apologized to Mr. Como.
In gratitude for Sparky's honesty, Mr. Como gave them his Golden
Cardigan. Francis appears with a gold-colored Cardigan sweater on a red
velvet pillow. They sing, "Sing to Me, Mr. C," and, "Catch a Falling
Star."
Francis announces, "The Plaids go Calypso!" Christmas lights around the
theater light and they sing, "Dey-O," and, "Kingston Market." They
segue right into, "Jamaica Farewell." They sing, "Matilda," with the
audience singing along.
Francis announces that it's time for the musicians union break. Sparky
sits at the piano and plays, " Heart and Soul," and they begin the
song. The group takes volunteers from the audience to play the piano
part and they sing the next verse.
Jinx tells how the only time his family wasn't squabbling was 8:00 p.m.
on Sunday night for the Ed Sullivan Show. Francis chimes in, "Brought
to you by the Lincoln-Mercury division of the Ford Motor Co.
Introducing the new Mercury Monterey, featuring Merco-Matic drive."
They sing, "The Mercury Commercial." Smudge announces, "... the entire
Ed Sullivan Shoe in three minutes and eleven seconds. They sing, "Lady
of Spain," while they mime Groucho, spinning plates, ballet, Jose
Jimenez and Topo Gigio.
They sing, "Scotland the Brave." Francis reads the Oxford English
dictionary definition of plaid as, "a cloth of woven
fabric--traditionally warned over the left shoulder. This highlander
material is comprised of a series of colorful squares and cross-barred
patterns, signifying family and home. Suddenly there's a burst of
thunder and lightning. And usher brings in the big plaid box. They look
inside, almost take the contents out. They change their minds and take
the box off stage. From off stage we hear Francis say, "We're finally
like a real group."
The guys enter, now wearing plaid tuxedo jackets and sing,
"Shan-gri-la/Rags to Riches," featuring a newly confident Smudge taking
the solo.
It's time for the finale but Smudge doesn't want to go back, "Maybe if
we don't finish the show, we can pick up where we left off." They
wonder what it would be like if they had a second chance. Francis says,
"Why not? We came back once, we can do it again . . . A perfect chord.
One perfect moment. That's all anyone has the right to ask for. And we
had our share. Rehearsing in the stock room was our Madison Square
Garden. Seating in the upholstered comfort of the Mercury was our
Carnegie Hall. The opening of the Stroudsberg Sears was our Ed Sullivan
Show. And it was good, dammit? Excuse me. But it was good. Real good .
. . it's time to go. We touched our dream. So please, let's sing the
last song, and go like Plaids.
They sing, "Love is a Many Splendored Thing."
The curtain falls.